He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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