PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Randomize
