people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Randomize
