What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
