We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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