his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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