Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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