wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
