I look better un-naked...
im having a threesome with these popsicles
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
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