Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
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