I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
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