im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I don't deserve a penis
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Randomize
