somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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