you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Randomize
