Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
