history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize