My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
