I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
So I think we're almost at the age where we should start calling boys men. Now what age do they start living up to the new title?
Most never. Some around 65.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
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