Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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