Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I pour the whiskey from now on
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize