all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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