Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
