thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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