I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Randomize
