Your mouth is God's brothel.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
