$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
69 |D_O
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
