he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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