God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water