Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
