Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Randomize
