so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
