6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
my being single is dangerous.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
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