I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
