I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
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I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
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I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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