I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
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Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
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SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
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