i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
