Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
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