That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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