I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
