A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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