Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Randomize
