Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
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