she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i barfeds in our rink
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
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Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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