He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
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