Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
