I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst