I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.