Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Are we still banned from the library?
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Randomize
