I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
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