hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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