I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
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