he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
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btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
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WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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