To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
