I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
My liver just broke up with me...
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Randomize
