how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
