you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
